


He's My Best Friend

by bavarian_angel



Category: Chicago Fire, Chicago Med, Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Drugs, Fire, Gen, Hospitals, Medical Procedures, Missing Persons, References to Depression, Serious Injuries, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 04:36:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26467315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bavarian_angel/pseuds/bavarian_angel
Summary: A man can only take on a certain amount before he breaks and I am broken, Matt. I am tired and broken.September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month.
Relationships: Matthew Casey & Kelly Severide
Comments: 7
Kudos: 34





	He's My Best Friend

**Author's Note:**

> This fic deals with references to a suicide attempt. Please proceed with caution if this is triggering for you.

“42 year old, white male. Work accident. Fell into a paper processor. We got it disassembled at sight, but with the way this piece is lodged, we were too afraid it nicked the femoral artery.”

Kelly held a claw like piece of machinery stable, while walking alongside the gurney as they pushed the patient into Med’s ED. His hands and turnout gear were covered in blood, but he was focused on the task at hand as Dawson gave the patient’s stats to Dr. Halstead.

“Okay, get me a Femostop ready, just in case. We’ll move him on my count, one, two, three.”

Will quickly checked pulse and breathing of the patient, while Maggie attached the ECG cables and put in an IV.

“Alright, Severide. Let’s do this. Nice and slow...”

Keeping his eyes on the patient’s thigh, Kelly carefully pulled the piece out and immediately stepped back for Will to take his place. He didn’t even notice that he was still staring at the patient, when a nurse came up to him, trying to take metal from him.

“Oh, sorry.”

“It’s okay. We got it from here.”

Nodding, Kelly stepped out of the trauma bay, slowly walking over to the desk where Dawson and Brett were filling out paper work.

“Hey, Severide, you okay?”

He only noticed that Dawson was talking to him, when she slightly nudged him with her elbow. Both, her and Brett, were looking at him with slight worry in their eyes.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Why don’t you go and get yourself cleaned up a bit while we finish this?” Brett asked gently, pointing at his bloody hands.

“It’s alright. I’ll get a shower at the firehouse.” Kelly mumbled as he saw somebody at the corner of his eye. “But I’ll be right back.”

April had just finished bandaging a patient in exam room 3 and was now restocking the supplies cart, when Kelly stepped up to her, his hands hidden in the pockets of his turnout coat.

“Hey...”

“Kelly! Haven’t seen you around here for a while.”

Her smile left a warm feeling inside his chest for this moment.

“Yeah. Just helped bringing in a patient after a work accident. How are you? I heard you haven’t been well. I’m so sorry that I haven’t been in touch...”

April rubbed his arm in a gentle gesture. “It’s okay. And I’m feeling better each day. Why don’t you give me a call and whenever we’re both off shift, we can hang out for a movie night or something?”

Kelly nodded slowly, his eyes wandering off as if in thought before they were back on April.

“Yeah, we should do that. Listen, April, I gotta go or else the girls are leaving without me, but... just... you just take care, okay?”

He bend over and pressed a soft kiss to April’s forehead, before turning around and rushing towards the exit where Dawson and Brett were waiting for him.

For a long moment, April just stood there. The tingling sensation of the kiss still on her forehead, she fought the feeling that something didn’t seem right with Kelly. But in the end, she didn’t have the time to give it more thought as they had a new patient incoming.

Nobody noticed the missing box of morphine from the supply cart until the next day.

~*~

This shift of second watch had started as a really quiet one so far and nobody wanted to jinx it by saying anything about it.

Matt had just finished making some checks on the truck and was about to get his second cup of coffee on this day, when he noticed that it was only Capp, Tony and Cruz at the Squad table.

“Hey, where’s Severide?”

Tony just shrugged while throwing another card of his hand on the table. “Office?”

Kelly’s absence didn’t seem to irritate his team, so Matt quickly brushed away the hints of worry in his mind, but he still wanted to check up on his friend, just to make sure.

After a short stop in the kitchen, Matt made his way towards the officers’ quarters. He could already see Kelly in his office hunched over some paperwork, looking like he was lost in thought. Again wondering what was going on, Matt walked over and knocked on the glass door before opening it. Kelly immediately straightened his back and quickly shoved the piece of paper, he had been working on, under a couple of reports lying next to him on the desk. When he looked up at Matt, he couldn’t name it, but there was something strange about Kelly’s eyes. They seemed so distant.

“Hey. You need anything, Casey?”

Leaning against the door frame, Matt looked at him for a long moment before shaking his head.

“You okay?” Matt hoped that he didn’t sound too worried because he didn’t want Kelly to shut himself off, knowing the other man had done so in the past.

However, Kelly actually grinned tiredly.

“Yeah, man. Just had a couple nights of bad sleep. That’s all.”

Matt pointed towards the perfectly made bed in the office.

“Then why don’t you-”

Both looked up at the sound of the bell.

_“Truck 81, Engine 51, Squad 3, Ambulance 61, house fire, 226 West Aliston Road.”_

~*~

They had already managed to rescue the families on the first and second floor, but the fire was eating away quickly on the material of the house. Matt and Stella had just finished clearing the second floor and Kelly and Cruz were on their way to the third floor under the roof, when they heard the Chief’s call over the radio.

“Evacuate now! Everybody out now!”

Stella and Cruz immediately made their way downstairs, the flames already making it difficult to navigate on the steps. Matt was about to follow them when he noticed that Kelly wasn’t behind him. Turning around, he saw his colleague and friend further ascending towards the third floor.

“Severide! You heard the Chief! Out now!”

Kelly turned around for a short moment, but didn’t move.

“No! I’m not leaving that kid to die!”

From what they had gathered from the neighbours, a young medical student was living in the apartment on the third floor, possibly trapped as they assumed her to be asleep at the beginning of the fire due to a night shift a few hours before.

“Severide! There’s no time!”

Matt looked on in shock as he saw Kelly going further upstairs. The Chief was already asking for their status on the radio when Matt was about to get Kelly and force him out, but the lower part of the stairs towards the third floor had just given in. Kelly and the victim were trapped.

Cursing under his breath, Matt rushed downstairs. He tried to avoid holes in the steps and the floor while yelling into his radio.

“Chief! Severide went up to the third floor. The stairs are gone! We need the aerial up there immediately!”

Matt stumbled through flames and smoke until he finally reached the front door of the house. As soon as he got some distance, he pulled away his mask and looked at the building he had just escaped from. His first thought was that nobody would be able to get out of there alive...

He quickly looked for Boden and his team, once again reaching for his radio.

“Severide! Where are you?!”

The only answer he got was static, but Matt refused to give in to the panic rising within him. Mouch and Otis had just finished getting the aerial up to the window on the third floor when it happened.

The window burst with a cloud of flames as the flashover had set it, immediately followed with a partial collapse of the roof. Several people were screaming and crying, knowing that under these conditions it was impossible to survive.

However, when the wind blew away the smoke, they saw Severide at the end of the aerial, the victim in a fireman’s carry over his shoulder. He must have crawled out of the window in the immediate aftermath of the flashover because Matt knew that even the best turnout gear could only hold away those temperatures for a few seconds.

Matt was still staring at Severide, who climbed down the aerial as fast as possible, while Boden was calling out for the ambulance to come up right next to the truck vehicle to get the victim.

As soon as Kelly reached the bottom, Cruz and Otis helped him carry the victim to the gurney of the ambulance. The young woman was unconscious and was severely burned on parts of her body. Brett and Gabby quickly got her into the rig and were on their way to the hospital with in less than a minute.

After having ripped off his mask and shedding his O2 tank, Kelly just leaned against the truck, breathing heavily and looking into the direction in which the ambulance had disappeared to. In the background the team of engine were fighting the flames with their water hoses as Matt looked at Kelly and it was in this moment when he just couldn’t hold it in any more.

He stepped over to his friend and grabbed him by the collar of his turnout jacket, yanking him up and pushing him against the truck.

“Are you out of your fucking mind?! An order is an order, Severide! You have a death wish or what?”

Kelly just stared at him with empty eyes. However, before Matt could say anything else, Chief Boden pulled him back, making sure he let go of Kelly.

“Enough. Not here and not now. We’ll talk about this when we’ll be back at the station.”

~*~

True to his word, Boden had asked Kelly and Matt into his office as soon as they had returned to the firehouse. For a long moment nobody said a word, Boden just staring at his two Lieutenants from behind his desk.

“Severide...”

“Yes, Chief?”

“Would you be so kind to explain what the heck you were doing after I put out the call for evacuation?”

Matt looked over at Severide, who was clearly struggling to give an answer to that question. Deep inside he still felt the anger for Kelly’s behaviour. He just couldn’t get his head around it how he could have acted so reckless.

“Chief, I just had to try. That girl is 21! I couldn’t leave her up there, if there was even the slightest chance to get her out.”

“You know it is a freaking miracle that you’re not lying side by side with her in the burn unit or even the morgue,” Boden’s voice got loud, him slamming his hand on the desk in front of him, before he took a deep breath and calmed himself down, “Kelly, I know, it hasn’t been easy since Anna-”

“It’s not that, Chief.”

“Still. An order is an order and I expect better of you. I’ll let this one slide for the moment because you got the girl out alive, but I can’t promise you that it will be the same with headquarters once I send your report in.”

Boden leaned back in his chair, taking off his reading glasses - a clear sign that this conversation was over.

“Thanks, Chief.”

Without another look at either Boden nor Matt, Kelly turned around and left the office, leaving the two other men behind.

“Casey?”

Matt looked up at Boden and saw worry in his eyes.

“Yeah?”

“Any idea what’s going on with him?”

“Not really, Chief. I tried to talk to him earlier today, but he shut himself off.”

“Alright. Let’s keep an eye on him and hope he’ll be back to his old self soon.”

~*~

The rest of their shift was rather quiet. Two car accidents with only slightly injured victims and a small kitchen fire. Whenever they were back at the house, Matt noticed that Kelly disappeared inside his office, not even having dinner with the rest of them.

More than once, Matt contemplated if he should try to talk to him again, but then he thought that the confrontation with Boden had probably been enough for Kelly for this shift and decided to leave him alone.

It was only at the very end of their shift, Matt being one of the last ones in the locker room to get changed back into his civilian clothes, that he noticed somebody standing behind him.

It was Kelly. He looked even more tired than the day before, his eyes sunken in and in the light of the locker room it almost looked like his face was way thinner than it used to be. Chewing on his lower lip, he didn’t manage to look into Matt’s eyes.

“Casey... I just... I wanted to say I’m sorry for my behaviour yesterday and I promise it won’t happen again, ever.”

Before Matt could answer, Kelly walked past him and quickly left the locker room.

~*~

**Kelly:** Hey, you up for a couple of drinks at Molly’s tonight?

**Matt:** Sorry, dinner with Dawson’s family tonight. See you tomorrow at work!

~*~

For the first 15 minutes, Matt didn’t really give it any thought. Chicago traffic could be a bitch in the morning, even though Kelly should have called by now that he would be late.

With every passing minute and no sign from Kelly, Matt’s worry grew. The last, and only, time this had happened before was when Kelly had been trapped in that excavator with that boy.

Matt was just about to pull out his cell phone when Chief Boden came out of his office and stepped up to him.

“Any news from Severide?”

Matt had to shake his head no.

“Was just about to call him.”

Boden nodded, leaning against the wall in the hallway, obviously waiting right there to see if they could get a hold of Severide.

However, it didn’t even ring, the call went straight to voicemail.

“Hey Kelly, would you do us a favor and please call me back. You haven’t turned up yet and we’re worried, man. So, just give me a call or at least text. See you later.”

Matt sighed heavily once he had hung up, looking at the Chief with anxiousness in his eyes.

“Nothing.”

“You think that has something to do with the call from last shift?” Boden asked, his mind wandering to what could have happened to Severide.

“I don’t know. Kelly actually apologized at the end of shift for what he had done. And as far as I know the girl at the hospital is stable. That’s not like Severide at all.”

Boden nodded in agreement. “When was the last time you heard from Severide?”

“Yesterday, late afternoon. Got a text from him if I wanted to go to Molly’s with him, but we had dinner with Gabby’s parents.”

“So less than 24 hours...”

“Yeah.”

The atmosphere between them grew tense, knowing that they couldn’t file a missing person’s report yet.

“You said, he wanted to go to Molly’s with you?” Boden suddenly seemed agitated, when Matt nodded, before yelling towards the common room, “Hermann!”

It wasn’t just the older man who halted with everything at their Chief’s hollering voice, but he got up and rushed over to the corner where Boden and Casey were standing.

“What’s up, Chief?”

“You worked the bar yesterday?”

“Yeah, why?” Hermann was more than confused from the tense look he was getting from the other two men.

“Did you happen to see Severide there yesterday evening?”

Hermann could only shake his head no, but before he could say anything, they all looked up when they heard somebody running towards them.

“Casey, Chief,” It was Tony who must have sprinted inside with the way he was panting, “I found this hanging around the steering wheel of the Squad truck.”

With a shaking hand, he held up a necklace with a golden pendant - on it’s front the picture of Saint Florian, the patron of firefighters. It was the one Kelly had been wearing ever since his mother had given it to him on his first day as a candidate. Matt couldn’t recall even one day, in all those years of his friendship with Kelly, that the other man had taken it off.

“Something’s wrong.”

~*~

Within a minute, Casey had gathered his men to take a ride. After Tony showing them the pendant, an inner terror had settled inside his chest and he knew that he needed to find Kelly, now. A part of him was still hoping to find him in his apartment, too drunk to get up for work, his cell uncharged.

Matt had wished they could have used the sirens to make the trip quicker, but after all this was still unofficial. So it had taken them 15 agonizing minutes until they stopped in front of the building with Kelly’s apartment.

“Okay, Hermann with me. The rest of you stay put.”

As quickly as possible, Matt got of the rig, Hermann not far behind. Both of them sprinted up the stairs to the floor of Kelly’s apartment, taking two steps at once. As soon as they reached the apartment door, Matt could feel his heart hammering inside his chest. He pounded against the door with his fist.

“Severide!

After waiting for a few moments and no answer from within the apartment, Matt tried the knob, surprised to find the door unlocked.

Hermann shared a look of unease with him. “That’s not good.”

“I’ll the check the bedroom and the bathroom. Have a look around the kitchen and the living room and see if you find anything.”

“Got it.”

Both men rushed into the apartment. Matt swallowed heavily against the bile which threatened to make its way up his throat. His mind was coming up with horrible pictures of what he might find. But in the end, it was just an unmade bed and some damp towels on the bathroom floor.

“Casey!”

He could hear it in Hermann’s voice. The older man had found something, but Matt was too afraid to turn around for a moment. Only after several deep breaths, he managed to walk over into the kitchen area, where Hermann was staring at something on the kitchen counter.

“What is it?”

Hermann didn’t answer. Taking a step to the side, he made sure Matt could see what was lying in front of him.

Kelly’s cell phone, turned off. And a letter - ‘For Matt’.

Usually Matt’s hands were steady, even in the worst situations, but now he could barely pick up the letter, his whole body shaking while he opened the envelope.

He could feel Hermann’s eyes staring at him as he read Kelly’s words. By the end, tears were running down Matt’s cheeks.

“Chris, I need you to drop me off at the 21st before you take the guys back to 51. Tell Boden we got an emergency, we need to find Kelly now. We don’t have much time... if we still have time...”

~*~

Matt jumped up the stairs towards the desk of the 21st, where Trudy eyed him with surprise.

“Lieutenant Casey, what are you doing here?”

He just hoped she couldn’t see the traces of tears on his face, but her obvious concern for him mirrored his distress as he leaned against the desk.

“Trudy, is Voight... or anyone from Intelligence in?”

Knowing about Matt’s history with the Sergeant, so him specifically asking for him told her enough to not ask any more questions.

“Yeah, he should be upstairs. I buzz you up.”

Matt managed to mumble a short _thanks_ as Trudy stepped out from behind the desk and opened the gate on the stairs for him. Feeling her eyes on his back, he rushed upstairs.

As soon as he saw Antonio and Jay, as well as Voight inside his office, Matt breathed a short sigh of relief. They must have heard him come upstairs, all three of them looking at him now.

“I need your help.”

Quickly, Antonio was right next beside him, clutching Matt’s shoulder.

“What’s wrong? Is it...?”

Of course Matt knew what Antonio was thinking about at first. So he shook his head to take away the older man’s worries.

“Gabby’s fine. It’s Severide.”

“What about him?” By now Voight had joined the other men at the top of the stairs, looking at Matt with worry in his eyes. The days of their almost fatal confrontation were long gone, even though they wouldn’t consider each other friends by now.

“He’s missing.”

“When have you last seen him?”

“He sent me a text yesterday late afternoon-”

“Casey, you know we can’t do anything if he’s missing less than 24 hours.”

“I know. But I think he wants to kill himself.” Matt had to fight another sob, just saying that last sentence. His hands were still shaking when he pulled out the letter from his pocket, handing it over to Voight. Antonio and Jay were looking over the Sergeant’s shoulders to be able to read it as well. All of them getting more worried with each word.

“Where did you find this?” Jay asked as Voight handed the letter back to Matt.

“In his apartment. We were looking for him there. We also found his cell. It was turned off.”

“Dammit,” Voight cursed under his breath, pulling out his own mobile phone, “What kind of car does he drive?”

“Mustang. A new model. S550? It’s grey...” Matt mumbled bewildered, not really knowing what Voight was asking for, until he heard the phone call the Sergeant was making right now.

“This is Voight. I need you to send out a search for a grey Ford Mustang S550, recent model, registered on a Kelly Severide. We got an urgent missing person’s case with suicidal ideation.”

Feeling like the world was suddenly turning way too fast for him, unable to catch up, Matt just looked on as Voight rushed to his office to put on his jacket.

“Alright. Unfortunately, I can’t pull off the rest of the team right now, but you got us. Jay will go with you, Antonio is with me. Don’t worry, Matt. We’ll find him.”

With Voight’s hand on his shoulder, all Matt could do was nod.

~*~

_“Boat dock is clear.”_

“Copy that.”

Sighing, Jay looked over at Matt who got more desperate with every passing minute that didn’t they didn’t find Kelly. There was an official search for Kelly’s car as well as individual searches from everybody at 51, including Voight and Antonio.

“Any other place that comes to mind? Any place with significance to him? Be it good or bad.”

“Not really... Wait a minute. I think I know where he is. Turn around, Jay!”

~*~

Just seeing the carcass of the old sales warehouse brought a shiver down Matt’s spine. His mind immediately brought him back to that fateful day in 2014. He had no idea why the owner of this place never opted to have it torn down after the fire.

Jay parked the car in front of the building. He got out and looked up at it. “This the one Gish torched?”

“Yeah. Shay died in there.”

They both had a look around, but the area seemed mostly deserted.

“No sign that anybody’s here, Casey. You really sure?”

“Not sure, but I got this feeling. Let’s head around the back.”

Matt really couldn’t tell what it was that drew him to this place, he couldn’t explain it. It seemed crazy and he could understand Jay’s doubting look over his shoulder. He was almost at the point to give into this doubt as well when they turned around the corner to the backside of the building and their eyes fell on a familiar Ford Mustang.

“Kelly!”

Almost tripping over his own feet, Matt ran over to the car, Jay right behind him. Stumbling to a halt by the passenger door, getting a look inside, he was sure his heart stopped beating for a moment.

Inside, there was Kelly, slouched over on the driver’s seat, unconscious. On the seat next to him was a half empty bottle of tequila, a syringe and three empty ampoules, their labels stating ‘morphine’.

“5021 George to main, I need an ambulance to 2442 West Side Drive for immediate medical attention. Victim is unconscious, possible morphine overdose. We’re on the backside of the building.”

_“Copy that, 5021 George.”_

Matt didn’t even hear Jay’s radio request. The rushing blood in his ears as well as his own constant stream of _no, no, god please, no_ blocked out everything as he kept on trying to open the locked passenger door.

“Matt, step back.”

Jay easily pulled him back from the car before smashing in the window with a stone. Pushing away all the broken glass, not even caring if he cut himself or not, Jay managed to lean inside and grab the key that was lying next to the console.

“Help me get him out!” Jay called out towards Matt, who still seemed in shock, until Jay grabbed him and shook him, “Matt! Now!”

It was then that Matt seemed to wake up and suddenly realized that Jay was right. In this moment, Kelly needed a first responder first, a friend only second.

Jay unlocked the doors via the remote on the key and both of them rushed over to the other side. In the meantime, the firefighter was back in Matt’s mind as he opened the drivers door, immediately hooking his arms around Kelly’s torso before pulling him outside. Leaning over his friend, one hand on his chest, the other looking for a pulse on his neck, he tried to calm himself enough to check those vital signs before finally cursing out loud.

“Dammit Kelly! He’s not breathing. I can barely feel a pulse... Jay, you know how to do compressions?”

Matt looked up at the other man, desperation in his eyes, sighing as he saw Jay nodding. As Jay dropped down to his knees, Matt pulled back Kelly’s head and pinched his nose before sealing his lips to breathe for him. After doing that twice, he nodded towards Jay, silently counting the 30 compressions for him. Inside his head though, Matt was screaming. He was screaming at Kelly to hold on, to fight and to finally breathe again.

Both men lost all sense of time as they kept up CPR until they finally heard the sirens of the ambulance. Matt didn’t really know the two paramedics who rushed towards them, but he didn’t care as long as they were able to help Kelly.

“Morphine overdose?”

“Yeah. In combination with alcohol. Suicide attempt. We don’t how long he was out before we found him.” Jay reported while keeping the compressions up.

“Okay, guys, we got this.”

Matt only stepped back when Jay finally pulled him away. All they could do now was watch as the paramedics started to hook Kelly up on a portable monitor, got an IV running and had to intubate him.

“One of you riding with us?” one of the paramedics asked after they had transferred Kelly onto the gurney.

“Yeah, me.” Matt nodded.

“Okay. Firefighter?”

“Yes. From firehouse 51.”

“Alright. I need your help bagging him, okay?”

Matt nodded again as he rushed alongside the paramedics. In the meantime, Jay had radioed in that they had found Kelly and that they were on the way to the hospital.

“Hey, we’re going to Med?”

“Yeah, it’s the closest.”

“I’ll give you an escort.”

~*~

Jay had given them a head’s up, so the team knew who was coming in. Waiting in the open door to the ED, Will once again looked over to April, making sure she was okay. He knew that she had been a friend of Kelly’s since they had been kids, but he also needed her focused on the case. But they didn’t have time for any more discussions now anyway as Jay’s police car went by and the ambulance stopped right by the entrance. In all too familiar movements, they helped opening the back doors of the ambulance and pulling out the gurney.

“35 year old male, overdose on morphine and alcohol. Intubated on site, 0.8 naloxone IV en route. So far no respiratory reaction. BP is 80 over 40, pulse 55.”

“Okay guys, we’re in Trauma 2. Get him hooked up. Get an immediate tox screen and put on another 0.4 of naloxone.” Will helped pushing the gurney before he turned around when he saw Jay rushing into the ED and coming to a halt next to Matt.

“You found him?” Both nodded, breathing heavily. “Do you know how much he took?”

Matt could only shake his head, but Jay reached into the pocket of his jacket.

“They were completely empty.” In his hand there were the three ampoules from Kelly’s car. “So my guess is about 600mg?”

“Shit...” Will mumbled as he turned around and addressed Maggie on his way towards Trauma 2. “Get me Dr. Choi, now!”

~*~

Maggie had organized for them to sit in a private waiting room on the ward next to ED. By now the whole of 51 as well as Intelligence were here, Kelly’s parents on their way. Matt was sitting in the chair closest to the door with Gabby next to him and Jay across. It was eerily quiet, words only spoken in hushed voices.

When the door to the room opened everybody expected Will with news on Kelly, but instead it was Dr. Charles. The head of Med’s psychiatry immediately saw the despair in some faces and held up his hand.

“As far as I know, they’re still working on him. I just wanted to see how you’re all holding up.”

After looking around, Dr. Charles’ eyes finally landed on Matt. Without a question, Gabby got up from her seat, after pressing a soft kiss on Matt’s head.

Dr. Charles sat down and waited a long moment before finally turning towards Matt.

“You were the one who found him?”

Matt only nodded at first, before clearing his voice. “Yeah, Detective Halstead and me...”

“Kelly’s your friend.”

It was obviously no question, but Matt found himself pulling out the letter Kelly had written to him. The paper was slightly crumbled by now. He tried to flatten it, all while swallowing and fighting another round of tears.

“He is my best friend...”

Dr. Charles didn’t say anything. He waited, knowing that Matt first had to sort out his thoughts.

“And I just can’t believe... I mean, it’s Kelly. How...? I mean, I should have noticed something, right? I should have seen the signs. I should have pressed on when he said that he was fine. Of all people, I should know how it feels to lose one’s girlfriend and I thought he was okay... I thought he was okay...”

_Hey Matt,_

_This won’t be some long elaborate note about how fucked up my life is (even though it is or else I wouldn’t do this), but I want you to know a couple of things and this is my last chance to tell you._

_First of all, I never said sorry for how I treated you after Andy’s death. And I never really blamed you. I just didn’t know how to deal with it and for whatever reason I let it out on you. I am so sorry, man._

_Second, and this is the most important one, don’t blame yourself for what I did. Because I know you. You will keep on thinking on what you could have done differently. It’s okay. You kept me going after Shay’s death. But I guess a man can only take on a certain amount before he breaks and I am broken, Matt. I am tired and broken. I can’t do this any more, I don’t want to do this any more._

_So don’t you dare to be dragged down by this. Go life your life, go get that family you always dreamed of. Just, maybe, look out for my parents for me? And make sure my boys from Squad will be alright or I’ll come back and haunt their asses._

_Thank you for being a friend._

_Kelly_

**Author's Note:**

> As September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, I wanted to write a story that represents a bit of both sides and I hope I managed to do this with the needed amount of respect concerning this topic.
> 
> As somebody who fights depression everyday, and has done so for more than half of her life, I've been at that point myself when I felt that I couldn't go on. I know how important it is for the individual to reach out, but I think it's equally important that you reach out to your friends. Reach out to them when you notice that something is off, even reach out if they seem okay. Sometimes the worst depression can hide behind a smile. And I can tell you, there's nothing worse than feeling that you're at the end of your rope and completely alone at the same time.
> 
> <https://musingsatmollys.tumblr.com/>


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